The change of year can propel us onto new pathways, and opportunities for fresh insights into the way we orient ourselves and our behaviours. We think “possibility” – but are we willing and able to truly let go of that which is no longer serving us or our highest good? Do we really believe that things can be better?

One thing I have been blessed with in this life is a kind of blind faith. While I have experienced many moments of feeling completely and utterly lost, somehow this has never prevented me from believing in “possibility”. I was once asked, during a particularly bleak period, by my landlord of all people, how I managed to maintain such a positive disposition. He happened to know quite a bit about my bleakness because he was in fact renting me the apartment from bleak. At the time I had no notion of how I would ever improve my plight to the point of something better. Once or twice per week I would plod down to the laundromat beneath my apartment to take care of business and chat with the landlord who also ran the establishment below. Throughout the seasons, the weather always seemed to be either perpetually hot or cold and I was often sidestepping these extremes in both my physical environment as well as emotionally. These times were tentative at best.

I remember then that I felt incapable of changing my path. I was alone and I didn’t know how to ask for help. And to be quite honest, there wasn’t really anyone to ask for assistance; I needed to learn how to give it to myself.

There is a lot of power to be found in the examined life. Why had my life taken me to the point of feeling powerless and alone? Was there something wrong with me? Or worse, was my situation a result of something I had done wrong?

I found that what limited me the most were my preconceptions of happiness. These had been drilled into me for many years, so it wasn’t obvious to distance myself from them and see them for what they truly were – other people’s definitions of happiness. 

The rare times I ventured to stray – to explore and define myself – I was labelled not only a failure, but much to my ego’s dismay, a “zero”, and this from those claiming to know me the best. I remember the day I received a letter proclaiming me a “zero”. I was heading out for a tennis game with a friend and had opened up my mail just before leaving. I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I was numb. What about me could provoke someone not only to call me a zero but to treat me like one?

I ran around the tennis court as though in a dream state. I tried to explain what had happened to my friend but of course they couldn’t really comprehend my situation. Was I a zero? Was that all I amounted to according to this person, this world? For many days my emotions remained suspended in another time and space.

It was a long haul back up from zerodom. I knew this was not who I was and I understood that others might be blind to my true self. Was this something I had to prove to them, or was this about confirming my worth and value to myself?

Ultimately I invested in discovering more about who I was beneath my physical exterior; I explored the inner essence of my spirit and my soul, and eventually found a true love and understanding of the person who had chosen this path. This self-acceptance led me down greater paths of love and understanding of others, and acceptance of the many differences we have in terms of who we are and the purpose we are here to fulfil. Things are never as they seem. I see us as multi-layered beings of light who have chosen to share a lifetime on this planet. We are capable of unimaginable love and compassion with which we can change anything.

My landlord asked me how it was that I managed to be so positive with so little. Somewhat taken aback, I shared with him a list of the many books that had offered me hope, and the practice I’d undertaken of spiritual development as a lifelong dedication towards self-discovery. As much as he may have made my day-to-day life rather challenging as a landlord, he offered me the most precious gift of admiration and respect for my perseverance and my person, for he recognized my spirit and my true self.