If you have any resistance to the above words, the good news is that really, it’s ALL about you – with the exception of where others are concerned. It’s taken me a lot of practice to separate my own issues from those of the people in my life. This work has led me to believe that keeping clear about what is “about you” is a daily and lifelong practice. And humour is a most essential if not primordial ingredient in getting you there.

About this time a year ago I was in an intense period of trying to understand the above statement. The more I continue to hear myself say it, the more I’ve come to accept that most things going on around me are really not about me. Of course the ego initially has great difficulty with the implications and resists wanting to explore this possibility. But slowly the wisdom of it sinks in. Allow me to share a pearl clutching example or two.

It was the first day of spring and I was in the mood to celebrate after a brutal winter last year. I invited several friends to drop by after work at the end of the week to raise a glass and toast to winter past. I was very casual with the invitation and told my friends that this would be just a relaxed gathering and not a late one.

Well, for the first time in many years of party throwing, I had a Mary Tyler Moore moment (for my younger readers, in her TV show MTM inevitably threw disastrous, albeit entertaining parties) - not one guest showed up! Once over the initial shock, I sat myself down, toasted in the spirit of spring, called up a close friend far away, and held my first long distance event instead. What was the option?

My ego’s initial response was genuinely one of wonder – could this non-event really be happening? Then I felt hurt that no one could be bothered to show up for my hospitality. And then I had lots of time to ponder…was their not showing up really about me after all?

Once I was past my ego’s perceived rejection and bruised thin skin, I was able to logically conclude that no one had purposefully tried to hurt my feelings. Not that anyone had exactly stepped forward to offer their support, but, like a shimmering mirage, my negative feelings soon dissipated and were instead replaced with the all-important phrase that began to appear in focus, it’s not about you. I was also able to see this as an opportunity to make room for change. If I could let go of my negativity and allow for something better to take its place, I had to confess that for all of the events that I held, more often than not, because I threw them myself, I was really working rather than socializing with my friends and was willing to acknowledge that maybe it was time for a different approach. A few months later I would have another chance, on my birthday, to check up on my progress.

But before that, there were other reminders in my past that had served to initiate my awareness towards new possibilities of perception.

I remember once chatting on the phone with an acquaintance I had made through a friend. He wanted to get to know me better, or so I thought. After listening to this person elaborate on a topic for several minutes, at one point I interrupted to share my own opinion about the matter. There was a thud of silence on the other end of the line. Incredulously, I was informed that this person was talking, and what was I doing? Um, I was also talking? As in, we are having a conversation? Wrong. This “conversation” was about him, not us – least of all me. I was so incapable of responding to what he said that I told him to hold on a minute and literally pressed the “hold” button and sat down. Was I dreaming? Did people really exist in their own vacuum of hot air? Needless to say, that was the last monologue that we shared.

I should mention here that phones are one of my all time pet peeves. Something about them can bring out a person’s most self-oriented tendencies. For example, someone I know occasionally calls me up and the “conversation” begins something like this:

Me:  Hello?

Them:  Hello! How am I? Fine!

You get the point. But my favourite episode occurred this past summer. A friend had gotten involved in a long distance relationship, which kept her on her cell phone for hours on end. Three of us, her no distance friends, finally got her to disconnect long enough to go out for dinner with us. As we were parking the car, her cell phone rang. Oblivious to present company, she proceeded to walk and talk on her phone towards the restaurant with the three of us in tow. So there we were, the three drones, trailing the queen bee. I turned to my companions and suggested that we all try to interrupt her call by calling her on our own phones. So the three of us dialled away, giggling in unison, until we had such a hysterical release that the queen bee had to turn around and tell us to keep it down. Well, I kept it down; and eventually for good. Need I point out, the get together wasn’t about me.

So back to my birthday. As on other special occasions, on my special day I’m in the habit of throwing a party or planning a getaway out of town – I do believe in celebrating oneself! Still in low-key mode, I wasn’t in the mood for either and instead accepted an invitation for lunch and another for dinner – both quiet and very enjoyable. I realized that I rarely let other people make plans for me and allowed myself to go with the flow. I’m of the ilk that if I don’t make it happen, it probably won’t, and this in fact is often the case. This time it felt right to let go of that preconception and encourage a shift in another direction. I didn’t need to remind anyone that my day was about me. For me it already was and for those that didn’t mark (or remember) the occasion - not. And this time my ego was fine with that. In fact I was even able to have a big laugh about it.  [An important note: I too forget birthdays.]

So low key was I, that a few days after my birthday a friend called up to say that he was going to have to fire me as his social secretary because he had just been informed that he had missed the birthday of a mutual friend of ours. I informed him that it was even worse than that. He was going to have to fire our mutual friend because he had neglected to inform him of my birthday the previous week. His silent response – priceless.

Even in the past few months, if I’ve been overlooked or even stood up (yes it still happens in your 40s sorry to tell you), I’ve found myself checking in to see whether or not events (or lack of them) are really about me. And by this I mean, did the person intentionally try to upset me, or was there just something else going on in their life that took priority? And, as I mentioned earlier, it’s not unusual that others prove themselves to be self absorbed and incapable of acknowledging someone else’s feelings or situation.

And you get your reminders. I’ve been in the predicament of having a normal, civilized conversation on the phone and out of nowhere had a close friend casually ask if I was having an affair with her husband. Hello? And just as casually, sitting in my chair with the sign over my head that reads: By the way, in case you don’t know me at all already, because I’m single I’m not desperate, my morals are still in tact and I don’t sleep with my friends’ husbands, I saw that this was all about my friend and some misguided insecurity that had nothing to do with me in any way whatsoever. After I hung up it was clear to me that I had a very different definition of friendship and chose not to call this person back.

You’re probably wondering if I have any friends left. Yes, but I’ve learned not to hold on to them too tightly.

When these bizarre kinds of circumstances prevail, and you know they will some time or another, it’s important to come back to yourself. Remind yourself that more often than not, it’s not about you, it’s probably about what’s going on with somebody else. With or without them, you and your pearls will still be in tact today, tomorrow, and the next day…

But that’s enough about me.